We raise men to value strength, being right, and being tough over being in touch emotionally.(This is actually misogyny: devaluing "feminine" characteristics.)

As a result, when confronted with their mistakes or ways they may have unintentionally hurt someone, they ⚡go very quickly into shame⚡. This happens when ⚡they can't tolerate the "I'm wrong"⚡ experience.As a result, when someone shares they were hurt, they interpret it as 💥blame💥 instead of as sharing experiences.💥

One way many men avoid shame is by turning the blame they perceive around on someone else. They don't know how to tolerate feeling bad, so they project it outwards instead.

We all grow up with the idea that finding a partner, getting married, will make us feel less alone in the world. We crave having someone who has our back all the time. We search for someone who gets us and prioritizes us. We want a partner, in the truest sense of the word.

And then…we get married.

How in the world did I ever have the idea I’d have equity in my marriage anyway?

It isn’t as though my parents set the bar high, and I had bounds of experience with happy partnerships.

I didn’t see my parents sharing the household responsibilities or the child-rearing anywhere near equitably. The one who made money worked 40 hours a week and then did what they wanted. The one who cared for the kids and house, worked 24/7 every day being resopnsible for the kids and house. I mean, my dad did more than most dads of his generation. Did I grow up seeing him chipping in on the weekends? Uh, not unless it was mowing the lawn or maybe grilling ribs for dinner once in a blue moon.

So how the heck do we grow up thinking things are going to be equal?

We are at once told that we have it better, and at the same time taught to maintain the status quo.

When we have kids, we don’t expect our partners to take the kids to any appointments.

Instead, we do it.

We don’t expect our partners to schedule and attend the teacher conferences.

We do it.

We don’t expect our partners to buy and organize and then get rid of children’s clothes.

We do it.

The problem is that We hold two opposing beliefs in our minds and bodies: Things will be more equal for us; we have to do things if we want them done well.

In the therapy world, we use an analogy of long-term, high functioning depression in terms of someone wearing a backpack with rocks in it. Every day a new rock is added to the backpack, but the weight is small enough you can manage through the day and adapt. This goes on, and on, until it feels harder and harder to just move. You’ve been wearing the backpack for so long, you’ve actually forgotten you’re wearing it. You blame yourself for being so tired, so slow, so “lazy.” You don’t know why it’s so hard to function like other people and decide that there’s just something wrong with you.

A similar analogy can be used for the mental load. Except, I would change it a little….

We’ve been told growing up that even though we have on the backpack, we have been given a gift that other generations haven’t had: we are independent! You get to work outside of the house (while wearing your backpack of course) and because you have the choice to do this, you are equal! Congratulations! You’ve made it.

Yet, every day feels harder than the last. Your back hurts (because you’re hauling around a ton of rocks, but you aren’t aware of this), you’re tired, you can’t seem to sleep enough, your mood is shoddy, you can’t seem to have fun, you don’t enjoy playing with your kids, and all of this — the world tells you — means you have done something wrong.

When I work with folks, so many of their main arguments (and BIGGEST arguments) are about the mental load. When we talk about managing BIG feelings in a marriage, we HAVE to talk about the mental load and how it affects the members of the household.

Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.

You want to start a conversation with your partner about getting on the same page with chores but you don’t know how. You’ve tried before, but it hasn’t gone well. They got defensive and started naming all the things that they do.