Revisiting Instagram: Defensiveness

We raise men to value strength, being right, and being tough over being in touch emotionally.

(This is actually misogyny: devaluing "feminine" characteristics.)

As a result, when confronted with their mistakes or ways they may have unintentionally hurt someone, they ⚡go very quickly into shame⚡. This happens when ⚡they can't tolerate the "I'm wrong"⚡ experience.

As a result, when someone shares they were hurt, they interpret it as 💥blame💥 instead of as sharing experiences.

💥One way many men avoid shame is by turning the blame they perceive around on someone else. They don't know how to tolerate feeling bad, so they project it outwards instead.

It is not your job as a woman to manage men's shame. We have been forced into the role for long enough.

That said, it gets more complicated if you are in a relationship with the man.

This is because as partners in a relationship part of what we aim to do is help one another co-regulate and stay connected.

🔥🔥How do we figure out what to do when our partner who is socialized as a man goes into shame and gets defensive?

My advice:

⚡Be clear you want to get closer to them

"There's something that's been bothering me, and I want to work on finding a solution together. I've noticed that not talking about it makes me feel distant from you. I'm not saying you are bad or not trying."

⚡If they continue with defensive behavior that attacks you, name it and suggest you revisit this later.

"You're acting in a way that makes me think you are hurt by what I said, and I feel sad you're hurt, but I can't stay in this conversation if you are going to attack me. I think we should take a break and revisit this in an hour when we are both calmer."

This combination of approaching topics with caring compassion AND setting protective and strong boundaries allows you to both honor the relationship and also honor the role of sexism/misogyny.

Sending so much care to you on this journey.
Dr Sarah G