What you’re doing to perpetuate the inequity that you hate
We all grow up with the idea that finding a partner, getting married, will make us feel less alone in the world. We crave having someone who has our back all the time. We search for someone who gets us and prioritizes us. We want a partner, in the truest sense of the word.
And then…we get married.
How in the world did I ever have the idea I’d have equity in my marriage anyway?
It isn’t as though my parents set the bar high, and I had bounds of experience with happy partnerships.
I didn’t see my parents sharing the household responsibilities or the child-rearing anywhere near equitably. The one who made money worked 40 hours a week and then did what they wanted. The one who cared for the kids and house, worked 24/7 every day being resopnsible for the kids and house. I mean, my dad did more than most dads of his generation. Did I grow up seeing him chipping in on the weekends? Uh, not unless it was mowing the lawn or maybe grilling ribs for dinner once in a blue moon.
So how the heck do we grow up thinking things are going to be equal?
We are at once told that we have it better, and at the same time taught to maintain the status quo.
When we have kids, we don’t expect our partners to take the kids to any appointments.
Instead, we do it.
We don’t expect our partners to schedule and attend the teacher conferences.
We do it.
We don’t expect our partners to buy and organize and then get rid of children’s clothes.
We do it.
The problem is that We hold two opposing beliefs in our minds and bodies: Things will be more equal for us; we have to do things if we want them done well.
This leaves us in the following bind:
You want your partner to chip in, but you don’t trust them to go to the doctor’s appointments without you.
You want your partner to do the grocery shopping, but would rather do the shopping than listen to them complain about doing it.
You want your partner to do the laundry, but you hate they way they fold the clothes.
What do we do to get out of this? Get clear on your role in the problem
We have to be honest about our role in continuing these patterns. All of us were raised with the idea that womxn are better at homekeeping and child-rearing.
That means that two things tend to happen in sync:
1) Men underperform because they trust you will step in if they don’t do it well. And sometimes they do this in a aggressive way that we call “weaponized incompetence.” Other times, it’s unconscious and lazy.
2) Women overperform because they believe their identity and worth is based on how their kids and house appear. They buy into the story that they are only as loved and important as their house is clean and their kids are behaved. As a result, they aren’t willing to tolerate much mess as their partners learn to take things over or do things imperfectly.
You are worth more than how clean your house is
If you truly want to have more equity at home, if you want to get over these gender roles, we also have to get over the stereotype that your worth is tied to appearances.
This is a hard one.
Let me say it one more time.
Your worth is not tied to the appearance of your house, or your kids.
You will not be able to successfully hand over tasks if you hold onto the idea that people care how your house looks, or how your kids are dressed, or how they behave in public.
To find equity, we have to look within
Before we can expect others to treat us equitably, and to prioritize us, we have to change how we think of ourselves.
We have to value ourselves more, and reflect that in our own actions.
Otherwise, we keep asking others to prioritize us, while at the same time showing with our own actions that we aren’t a priority.
How do we show we AREN’T a priority?
you put your needs last
you keep quiet to keep others happy
you don’t rest
you don’t do activities if they would cause an imposition to someone else’s day
you don’t spend money on yourself, only on the family and house
How do we start to show we ARE a priority?
you spend time away from the family on the weekend, either by yourself or with friends
you leave the kids with a sitter to date your partner, or go out with friends
you buy things for yourself, even if it means there is less money for others in the family
you spend time and money pursuing activities that you enjoy
you take care of your emotions even if it means someone else might be unhappy
you say your needs and wants even if it rocks the boat
I invite you to come with me to try something different from what you’ve been doing.
I’m creating a video that will walk your partner through understanding what the mental load is, how it affects everyone, and why it’s important to share. If you’re interested, I’m opening a waitlist now that will give you first access to the video and a discount on it! Just sign up below and I’ll let you know when it’s available and how to get your discount!
