how to schedule a family meeting

You want to start a conversation with your partner about getting on the same page with chores but you don’t know how. You’ve tried before, but it hasn’t gone well. They got defensive and started naming all the things that they do.

Use this script to help you open up the conversation. You’ll need to remember three things for this to be successful:

1) Bring up the topic when emotions are calm, and you aren’t in the middle of an argument.

2) Be clear on what you want to happen, and don’t get sidetracked.

3) Talk as though you are a team (even if it’s not currently feeling like you are). When you can, and if it’s honest, use words like “us” and “we.”

Ready? Let’s do this.

First, make sure you have your partner’s attention:

Hey hon, is this a good time to chat for a sec?

Next, explain the problem that you are both experiencing.

Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected from you. Things are so busy with both of us, it’s been hard to find time to just get on the same page. It feels like we end up fighting about little things.

Then, say what your big picture goal is.

I want us to get on the same page so we feel supported by each other.

And now, you state what you’re asking for.

I’d like to find a time we can meet for an hour once a week so we can just check in on the schedule for the coming week, make sure we know what each other has going on, and just talk about whatever is coming up. Can we look at our calendars now and pick a time?

Troubleshooting Responses

If your partner says something like, “Yeah, but can we pick a time later?” make sure you are concrete about when “later” is.

Sure, how about after the kids are in bed we sit down and pick a time?

If your partner says something like, “I don’t think we need a whole hour each week. That seems like a lot,” make sure you compromise to find a solution but don’t give up.

Okay, an hour a week would be my vote, but I’m happy to compromise. What do you think? An hour every other week? Sure, I’m okay doing that but if it’s feeling like not enough time let’s plan on adding more, and if it’s feeling like too much time let’s adjust that way, too. Does that work?

If your partner gets defensive and/or attacks and says something like, “Well, I work really hard to be on a team with you, so I don’t know what you want from me” or “Well, I’ve been trying to communicate with you but you never listen” or something like that… remember… stay focused, don’t get sidetracked into a separate fight!

I don’t want to ignore that, but I also want to talk about one thing at a time right now. First let’s get something on the calendar, and then we can talk about … how I frustrated you/etc.