Four Ways to teach your partner about the mental load

When I work with folks, so many of their main arguments (and BIGGEST arguments) are about the mental load. When we talk about managing BIG feelings in a marriage, we HAVE to talk about the mental load and how it affects the members of the household.

Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.

Here are 4 ways to explain the mental load to your partner

1. Use a comic. This comic from back in 2017 talks about the mental load and explains how it shows up in relationships..

2. Watch the Fair Play documentary together on Hulu.

3. Both of you journal to this prompt:
   Set a timer for 2 minutes. Write down everything you can think of that went through your head in the 20 minutes after you woke up this morning. Write down thoughts (not actions or feelings.
   For example, you might write:

   What day is it? It’s Wednesday so it’s picture day. I need to pick out an outfit for Julia, but the shirts she likes aren’t clean so I need to throw that in the wash first thing. I didn’t send picture money so I also need to get a check. Where are the checks? I think they’re in the office.

4. Talk about the Manager Organizational system. If one person is the “Manager” in the house, it likely means that the mental load isn’t shared equally. Couples who share the load equally tend to be in a Team organization instead of a Manager organization. Review these items together, and then check back in to see which have changed and which you might still need to work on.

   Answering “yes” to these questions indicates you’re likely in a Manager Organization:

   1. One person tends to do most of the “tracking” of what has and hasn’t been done. Think about the laundry, the dishes, the bills, kids’ homework, the calls that need to be made, what needs to be packed for trips, what you are out of in the pantry, when the next trip to the store needs to be. If one person tends to know the answer to most of those, then you are likely in a management system.

   2. One person tends to assume they are in charge of the children in a given time (e.g. after dinner) and the other person assumes they don’t have to be in charge of childcare duties. Often this is referred to as the “primary parent.” It’s the person that the kids automatically go to in order to ask questions or get help.

   3. There is an expectation that one person should “ask for help” and notify the other person of what needs to be done. If there is a tendency for one partner to say “But you didn’t ask for help” or “I didn’t know you needed help” that likely indicates a Manager orientation in your household.

   4. One person tends to do the planning. This person tends to plan the parties, plan what needs to be discussed at parent-teacher night, plan what gifts to buy for special occasions, plan the grocery list, plan what needs to be purchased for the house (e.g. what clothes for the kids, what supplies, etc.). This person is the one who packs and plans the diaper bag, brings snacks for outings, etc.

   5. One person tends to do the remembering. This person remembers what foods different people prefer, and what different people are allergic to. This person tends to remember when birthdays are or when special events are coming up. This is the person who remembers when the kids are due for shots, and when to plan the well visits for. This is the person who remembers important deadlines and dates. This could also be the person that everyone goes to to ask where things are located, like “Hey, do you know where my keys are?”

      ***Usually, women report to me that when they feel like the manager, and feel in charge of their partner, they desire sex less because they feel their partner is "in a one-down” position. Check out this article about why some women have a low libido. Hint: it isn’t based on biology!

When starting a conversation about the mental load, remember that your goal is to start it. Redistributing the mental load will be a process that requires tweaking and revisiting over time.

It is possible to change how your relationship feels, and to create a Team Structure in your household.

Don’t give up!

You got this!

Blogs are pretty full of generalizations. If you want specific tips based on your personality, take my quiz to get your workbook of 3 Simple Steps to get Teamwork At Home based on YOUR particular personality profile.  Take my QUIZ to learn more about your strengths, and how to get the most out of your relationship!