I hate that I’m the only one reading the parenting books

You’re tired of being the only one who has read the parenting books. You listen to the podcasts. You talk to friends about parenting strategies. And your partner has done… well, nothing. You put the book on the nightstand and they don’t read it. You text them an audio to listen to and they don’t. You’re frustrated and feel undermined because they aren’t reinforcing your parenting strategies.

(I’m gonna get a little cishet here as I delve in to some research and experience focusing on straight, monogomous, male-female couples; though the topic below relates to all kinds of relationships.)

Why is this happening? Can it be stopped?

There is a way to feel more like a team. You can be on the same page with your partner. But first we have to get to what’s behind this problem. Otherwise you just keep fighting about surface level problems and don’t get anywhere new.

So here’s the deal…

Studies have shown that men often believe most of their value comes from earning money, and progressing at work.  Yet most women I’ve worked with say that their husband’s value comes from supporting them at home and being a loving, and involved parent.

People’s unspoken values greatly changes how couples expect one another to behave. Husbands prioritize spending time at work, working long hours and when they are home choosing to rest. Women — because they expect their husbands to value parenting and support at home as much as they do — become angry, disappointed and resentful when their husbands tend to put their energy into work and have little left for home life.

Here are 4 Steps to get on the same page

1. Get clear on your own values. Start by getting clear on your values that you prioritize, and how that affects your expectations for your partner. If you have a male partner, they may be making decisions based on making sure they earn as much money as possible. How important is this to you? Would you be willing for them to make less if that meant they were more involved at home?

2. Schedule a time to talk. Find a time that the two of you can sit down and talk about this.

3. Both of you journal to this prompt (or discuss it, but I strongly suggest journalling first):
   >> How do you think you bring value to the family?
   >> Choose the three main ways, and rank them in order of importance.
   >> Next rank each on a scale from 1 - 10, 10 being “very important” and 1 being “not important”:

   • Teamwork

   • Curiousity

   • Productivity

   • Compassion

   • Creativity

   • Honesty

   • Courage

   • Play

   • Learning/Education

   • Time with Family

   • Time with Friends

   • Making more money

   • Kindness

   • Honesty

   • Independence

   • Wealth

4. Talk about your answers. Are you on the same page? Does your partner know the ways you value them and think they bring value to the family? Reflect on if frequent frustrations and fights relate to the value descrepancy. For instance, if you tend to fight about the “right way” to parent is that actually because one of you greatly values learning about parenting, and the other doesn’t? Or maybe it reflects an importance on kindness and compassion that one of you has more than the other?

Talking about what you want to prioritize as a couple in different seasons of life can help you to work more effectively as a team. Maybe you are in a season where the priority is building wealth… or maybe you’ve gotten to a place you are comfortable enough, and making more money is less important than growing the family’s connection in the home.

When we cut to what’s under the fights, we have the ability to fix the problem.

Don’t keep arguing about the symptoms. Get down to the underlying problem by talking about what’s truly important to both of you and how it shows up at home.