In the therapy world, we use an analogy of long-term, high functioning depression in terms of someone wearing a backpack with rocks in it. Every day a new rock is added to the backpack, but the weight is small enough you can manage through the day and adapt. This goes on, and on, until it feels harder and harder to just move. You’ve been wearing the backpack for so long, you’ve actually forgotten you’re wearing it. You blame yourself for being so tired, so slow, so “lazy.” You don’t know why it’s so hard to function like other people and decide that there’s just something wrong with you.

A similar analogy can be used for the mental load. Except, I would change it a little….

We’ve been told growing up that even though we have on the backpack, we have been given a gift that other generations haven’t had: we are independent! You get to work outside of the house (while wearing your backpack of course) and because you have the choice to do this, you are equal! Congratulations! You’ve made it.

Yet, every day feels harder than the last. Your back hurts (because you’re hauling around a ton of rocks, but you aren’t aware of this), you’re tired, you can’t seem to sleep enough, your mood is shoddy, you can’t seem to have fun, you don’t enjoy playing with your kids, and all of this — the world tells you — means you have done something wrong.

Your brain is in full-on planning mode from the moment you wake up. You rehearse in your head the order of your day. You tally up the things you need to get done. You count backward to figure out if you have enough time to do it all. From the moment you wake up you are planning, anticipating, noticing and organizing and YOU. ARE. EXHAUSTED.

“I don’t know how to stop this cycle.”

I met with Jamie for our session (not her real name) and she was fed up and done with having to do all the things. She planned the lunches, the snacks, the appointments. She met with the teacher and knew when the doctor’s visits were scheduled for. She knew the playdates and the kids at the playdates and the mothers of the kids at the playdates.

You’re tired of being the only one who has read the parenting books. You listen to the podcasts. You talk to friends about parenting strategies. And your partner has done… well, nothing. You put the book on the nightstand and they don’t read it. You text them an audio to listen to and they don’t. You’re frustrated and feel undermined because they aren’t reinforcing your parenting strategies.

(I’m gonna get a little cishet here as I delve in to some research and experience focusing on straight, monogomous, male-female couples; though the topic below relates to all kinds of relationships.)

Why is this happening? Can it be stopped?

There is a way to feel more like a team. You can be on the same page with your partner. But first we have to get to what’s behind this problem. Otherwise you just keep fighting about surface level problems and don’t get anywhere new.

When I work with folks, so many of their main arguments (and BIGGEST arguments) are about the mental load. When we talk about managing BIG feelings in a marriage, we HAVE to talk about the mental load and how it affects the members of the household.

Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.

Want to share the load easily and with less hassle?

Need help finding better ways to communicate?

Check out my FAVORITE tech tip to make it easier to share the load!