Are you unintentionally choosing to hold the mental load?
Your brain is in full-on planning mode from the moment you wake up. You rehearse in your head the order of your day. You tally up the things you need to get done. You count backward to figure out if you have enough time to do it all. From the moment you wake up you are planning, anticipating, noticing and organizing and YOU. ARE. EXHAUSTED.
“I don’t know how to stop this cycle.”
I met with Jamie for our session (not her real name) and she was fed up and done with having to do all the things. She planned the lunches, the snacks, the appointments. She met with the teacher and knew when the doctor’s visits were scheduled for. She knew the playdates and the kids at the playdates and the mothers of the kids at the playdates.
Her partner, Jon, did not.
Jamie was angry, resentful, and frustrated but didn’t know what to do. We came up with a plan of what she would like to off-load to Jon. One big thing she wanted was time alone for a few hours on the weekend with the family gone and the house to herself. We came up with the plan for how she was going to talk to Jon about it, what she’d ask for, and how to be firm.
It didn’t go as we’d planned.
Even though Jon was willing to take the kids out on Saturday, Jamie found herself unable to trust him to do it in his own way. She worried he wouldn’t pack food, that he wouldn’t bring enough formula, that he would forget to put sunscreen on her oldest. She spent so much time helping him prepare to leave that by the time he left with the kids she was competely exhausted and no longer wanted to do anything fun. Instead, she sat on the couch and scrolled her phone (which is a fine choice, but she didn’t feel that for her in that moment it was a choice; it just kinda happened).
“I was worried something would go wrong and the kids would be upset.”
Womxn are raised believing that our job is to keep the peace. We learn to smile when we don’t feel like smiling, we learn to avoid our anger when we have every right to be mad, and we learn to dance around situations so that others are as happy as possible. Then, we have kids.
And the situation spreads to the kids; we become anxious about them being sad, disappointed and angry because we have spent so long avoiding those feelings that we cannot tolerate them. Often we forget that the best way for kids to turn into happy and healthy adults is for them to learn to be sad, disappointed and angry and cope with those feelings in a healthy way.
Trying to avoid your kids feeling upset is a sure way to trap yourself into holding the mental load.
Why? Because feelings are normal and natural, and anyone who cares for your kids will at some point disappoint or upset them. You might find yourself responding as Jamie did: by doing extra work because you’re too anxious about your kids being upset to tolerate stepping away.
Here is the biggest risk to continuing to hold the mental load
When one person does all the things, they actually take up a lot of space relationally. They tend to be the “hub” of the family. While that may seem like a good thing in theory, it means that it’s really difficult to have a real relationship that doesn’t involve the hub.
In practicality, this means that often moms inadvertantly get in the way of dads having deeper, separate relationships with their kids. Which is usually not at all what we mean to happen. And, we don’t even realize that we’re doing it.
By being a part of all the things, we indicate to the kids that dad isn’t truly up to the task to be trusted. They might start to notice this and go to you exclusively for their needs to get met. If you find that your kid tends to seek you out instead of your partner, it might be helpful to check in and ask yourself, “Am I getting out of the way enough for them to have their own relationship?”
If the answer is “no” or “maybe” here are some things you can try:
Let your partner solo parent a few hours a week when either they leave with the kids, or you leave the house.
Ask your partner to be in charge of a “preparing/organizing” task. Good ones to start with are:
being in charge of doctor’s or dentist appointments (e.g. making appointments, tracking shots/vaccines, attending appointments, submitting absence notes to school)
being in charge of a kid’s extracurricular activity (e.g. tracking dates of, responding to coach’s emails, packing supplies, and driving to/fro)
being in charge of packing the morning bag (e.g. making lunch/snack, packing the change of clothing, knowing what’s happening at school/daycare that the child might need that day)
As your partner takes over this new responsibility, they will make mistakes and mess up as they learn. That’s part of being human. And, it’s part of being a family. Your only job in that case is to tolerate the discomfort of watching them mess up. Their job is to figure it out.
** This post uses an example of a discussion with a client to make some points. The “client” depicted here is an blending of many clients that I’ve worked with who have very similar experiences.
