We probably have all had that moment.

Your partner says they will do something — take out the trash, do the dishes, do the laundry — and they don’t.

They say they don’t remember, or they’ll do it “soon.”

The trash overflows. Gnats circle the dishes. The laundry smells mildewy.

If you do it yourself, you reinforce that they get to choose when and when not to do the chores based upon convenience to them. You stay in the role of housekeeper, caretaker, one who picks up the pieces. You actually feel better doing this sometimes because there’s less conflict. The short term is less conflict, and more harmony, but underneath the resentment builds. You end up lashing out at random times when you just can’t take it anymore.

If you remind them, you become the parent. Nagging, reminding of chores, holding on to the mental load of monitoring if the job is getting done or not. You feel resentful. You feel a little disgusted by them. You don’t want to date them, or have sex, or really even listen to them.

If you do nothing it gets worse. And worse. Until finally they do the chore. And then the whole thing starts over.

So what to do when faced with these — pretty sucky — options?

The truth is (I really really hate to admit this) I honestly thought I was right 95% of the time. I grew up in a family where I definitely had a sense there was a “right” way to do things and a “wrong” way to do things. I prided myself on doing things well and getting things “right.” So when I got married I was shocked that my partner seemed to think he, too, was right when clearly he was going about a lot of things all wrong.

When my kids were little, the notes I took were so elaborate I think I made babysitters crazy. There was suddenly so much to organize and track, and so much to do, I had lists in every room. Five years later I was still the one tracking, organizing, remembering, planning. How did that work out for me? I was depressed. I was mad. I was resentful. I needed something to change. 

In today’s post, I’m going to teach you the FIRST step I recommend couples take first to tackle problems with chores.