Why you both think you’re right (and who actually is)
The truth is (I really really hate to admit this) I honestly thought I was right 95% of the time. I grew up in a family where I definitely had a sense there was a “right” way to do things and a “wrong” way to do things. I prided myself on doing things well and getting things “right.” So when I got married I was shocked that my partner seemed to think he, too, was right when clearly he was going about a lot of things all wrong.
He would leave the dishes on the counter overnight. He wouldn’t take out the trash unless I reminded him a dozen times. He left the house without snacks for the toddlers. He parked the car in the blazing hot sun when I knew that carseat would not be usable until it cooled waaay off. I couldn’t understand why he kept messing things up. We argued. And argued more. And neither of us could understand what was happening and how to fix the stand-off.
This went on for YEARS. I began to think he was incompetent. I stopped trusting him to do things like pack a diaper bag. I was resentful. Our marriage was a mess. We weren’t having sex. We were barely getting along.
In today’s post, I’m going to help you understand what’s happening when both of you think you’re “right” and who actually is.
I bet you, like me, have a list of things that you no longer are willing to let your partner do because you don’t trust them to do it well. You might not want your partner to help in the morning with the kids because they don’t feed them in time for school. Or you don’t trust them with the laundry because something gets shrunk or ruined everytime. Or you don’t trust them to take the kids to swim practice because they won’t bring all the supplies they need.
When disappointment turns into lack of trust, your marriage is heading in a dangerous direction.
You feel disappointed, resentful and hurt. Your partner keeps telling you that they don’t understand what they are doing wrong, even though you keep telling them what they are. Your partner acts defensively and shuts down when you try to tell them what you want them to do. It seems like it’s just getting worse.
I grew up thinking that everyone lived by the same “right” and “wrongs” that I did; or at least, the people I loved and trusted did. Growing up it always seemed like there was one set of rules and you had to follow them. Now I’m realizing it worked that way because my parents avoided negotiating how things would be done. Instead, my mom did the indoor chores, and my dad did the outdoor chores. No negotiation or agreement needed.
My partner and I figured out what the problem was. And — I hate to tell you this — it wasn’t that he was wrong...
I’m going to walk you through one of the biggest places that couples get hung up and how to get past the “right” and “wrong” fight.
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What you are actually fighting about isn’t who is right and wrong… you’re actually fighting about values and priorities…
For a long time I really needed to be right to feel like I was worth being loved. I had this idea that “right” = “loved” and “worthy.” It wasn’t until I spent some time in therapy that I realized that this black and white life I was living was completely made up and arbitrary. I was finding false comfort in being right. And in the process, creating huge conflict in my marriage.
What was actually happening was that we were disagreeing about what was important to us. I was assuming that what was important to me was also important to my partner. (I was assuming wrong.)
Here are some things to consider if you want to break out of this standoff:
How do you prioritize your time and energy?
Maybe you would rather put time and energy into cleaning the house than you would time with friends in the evening. Maybe you would rather spend your Saturday getting ahead of the week than resting. Maybe you feel like most of your energy and time should go towards making money, and what’s left can be spent on the household.
These are all preferences. There isn’t actually a right or a wrong way to spend your time and energy. The problem comes when you disagree with your partner about your priorities. When we are first dating, priorities are simple. We usually had fewer responsibilities back then. As we age, things get more complicated, and we need to revisit what’s important to us.
Having a conversation about what your priorities are is vital to getting past the “right” and “wrong” argument.
Use a Values Exercise to get on the same page
There are tons of values lists on the internet that you can use, but one of my favorites is this one by the Executive Happiness Coach. I like it because it covers a wide variety of things that couples often disagree about. For instance, one of your main values might be “Emotional Wellbeing” and so you spend a lot of time and energy reading about parenting, trying out new parenting techniques to raise emotionally healthy kids, and you go to your own therapy. Maybe you find out that your partner has rated “Stability” highest which they define as financial stability and not having huge emotions at home. Because that’s their value, they tend to work hard and long hours to make more money, and use parenting strategies that try to get rid of big feelings fast. You can see how this might set you up for some big disagreements!
Be curious instead of judging “right” or “wrong”
Approach these discussions with curiousity. Why is this value or priority so important to your partner? How does prioritizing life this way affect your lives? How are differences in values butting up against each other? Which values seem to be in opposition in your most common fights?
Your differences are what first attracted you to each other
Remember, your differences are what first attracted you to your partner. These are often the qualities and characteristics you really loved and admired about them when you first got together. Now you are in the process of figuring out how to compromise and find overlap for those differences so you can still value and love them. Try out the values exercise linked above to create space for more understanding and less judgement.
Your partner is still the person you loved at the beginning. Life is just making things insanely messy right now. Take it one step at a time. You got this.
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